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My name is Jesse and here’s what’s going on in the world of hockey:

Nashville Predators head coach Barry Trotz is reportedly still upset about losing his star defenseman last year in Free Agency. The coach is quoted in a recent interview as saying that the player’s new team, the Minnesota Wild, “stole Ryan Suter” from his former team. Sources say that Trotz is also still upset about losing a game of Red Rover on a technicality back in the third grade, and that all of his classmates that ruled against him are “boogerheads”.

The Toronto Maple Leafs continue to cross things off on their summer “to-do” list, but are struggling to fit promising young forward Nazem Kadri’s contract under the cap after taking care of their top priorities earlier in the summer. These priorities included signing fourth line enforcer Colton Orr, giving underwhelming Center Tyler Bozak and unproven GM Dave Nonis healthy raises, and also dumping bags upon bags of money into the trash.

The Anahiem Ducks have lost defenseman Sheldon Souray for up to six months with a wrist injury, opting to replace the top-pairing, former all-star defenseman with Edmonton Oilers cast-off free agent Mark Fistric who struggled to regularly crack the lineup on one of the worst NHL teams in the league last year. Male fans of the team are upset that Fistric is likely a far inferior defenseman while female fans of the team are upset that they went from this

souray
to this.

fistric

 

Philadelphia Flyers goaltender Steve Mason will have a mask that features horrifying airbrushed images of zombies. When trying to decide what might be the most terrifying thing to adorn his mask with, Mason was faced with the tough decision of choosing between the rotting, animated flesh of the undead and a spreadsheet of his career save percentage. However, worried about traumatizing young children who attend Flyers games, the goaltender decided on going with the slightly less mortifying zombie artwork, rather than the absolutely hideously alarming state of the history of his NHL performance. So, just to clarify, Steve Mason has uh… not played very well.

Edmonton Oilers’ star forward Taylor Hall is a recent invitee to the Canadian Men’s Olympic Hockey Camp despite Coach Lindy Ruff’s hesitancy to play him at the World Championships this past spring. Recent studies show that the reason Hall didn’t get any ice time despite being a good player and highly favoured by many minds in hockey is because Lindy Ruff is, quote, “A huge idiot”.

This has been The Hockey Update with Jesse.

 

 

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